Feb 22, 2010

Kirsten Dunst

Let's start this rant on Ms. Dunst with the beginning.

She creeped me out in Interview with the Vampire (her best role so far.)
She grew up and moved unto other movies... (I'll talk about the ones I've seen)
In Jumanji she screamed a lot. I would be screaming too if a bunch of elephants, monelys and a whole jungle came out of a freaking Board Game... (BTW Jumanji is way better than Zathura...)
She also screamed a lot in Small Soldiers. (I mean who wouldn't if an army of Evil GI Joe like toys wanted to ruin everything.)
Spider-Man: She played the lovely Mary Jane Watson. In this movie... Yup you guessed it She screams a lot...
Is it me or does she earn her paychecks by screaming? By the way she does scream in the sequels... OK on the Spidey franchise killer movie that was Spider-Man 3 they recycled Pre-recorded Dunst screams from Spider-Man 2. Still that's a lot of Screaming...
Now that Spidey 4 is no longer, what's Ms. Dunst doing?

How about Dressing up, putting on a wig and singing... That kinda sounds like...

I know... I'm going overboard with the references... but this time Ignore Miley/Hannah and pay attention to Lola, her sidekick...Weird colored wig and weird outfits... almost like an anime character. (Lola, meet your long lost sister!!!)

What if I told you that Kirsten Dunst wnet to Japan to do a cover of The Vapors' Turning Japanese while dressed up as an anime character...
Kirsten Dunst singing a song about Masturbation, while harassing Japanese People in Japan.
Can't post the video since it is NSFW (contains cartoon boobs, Kirsten Dunst panty shots and sparkles... Sparkles should be banned form the internet...) I will not tell you that if you search Kirsten Dunst Turning Japanese on certain site that has videos...

♪I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of them all 'round myself
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well♫

So from trying to kill Tom Cruise to singing about Masturbation... Kirsten Dunst has done a lot of weird stuff in her career. Now if she does a cover to a certain song by the Divinyls... I don't want to think much about that, otherwise the Earth might implode on itself.

Feb 21, 2010

Hey What the!?FIRE!! FIRE!!

Welcome to a new edition of Hey What the!?
So this guy got arrested for Arson because he bragged about it.

Thanks for your thought Napoleon... I will NOT vote for Pedro...
now back to the Article... The guy was doing weed in an abandoned building then he set the building on fire... He then tells it to his hairdresser... What an IDIOT! Everyone knows that Slaons are worse than bars and the office in keeping secrets.

In other news, a man in Nepal, who is 22 inches tall (Shorter than 2 FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!) is going for the Guiness World Record. Good luck, Khagendra Thapa Magar!! I wanted to make a comment about rooting for the little guy, but I don't know if it might be offensive... I mean the dude is going for a WORLD RECORD thanks to a genetic quirk.

Holy crap! These Doctors left a Footlong spatula-like hospital tool in her abdomen!

Yup! She had something that long and metallic in her abdomen!! Here's the funny part. the hospital tried to cover it up. Now that's wrong...


Holy crap! A NINJA RESTAURANT... Let me say that again...

Taiwan's got a ninja themed restaurant in which you get served by Kunoichi (female ninja) and they do tricks with the food and stuff... Food Jutsu... Now if there were more Ninja themed restaurants across the world... that would be AWESOME!!

If you'll excuse me my jaw has hit the floor... NINJA RESTAURANTS!!! There is a NINJA RESTAURANT ON THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE!! (Probably expensive as Hell, but still! It's a NINJA RESTAURANT!) This is almost as crazy as having Vampires or Werewolves in High School... NINJA VANISH!!
Ok the ninja vanish does not work if you can't see me from the start...

Feb 19, 2010

Miley are you okay? Are you OK Miley?

Miley Cyrus. I've used her as a reference many times. I even avoided referencing her in articles for a while... (the whole Mileyban 10 Miley-free Articles...)but I've noticed something lately... Miley is changing... A Metamorphosis if you will...

Shes turning into MICHAEL JACKSON!!! (Or a Miley-fied knockoff.)
Miley Cyrus said, "Michael Jackson was my inspiration. Love and blessings."
Hmmm... Michael Jackson is her inspiration?

Doing a little Michael tribute using Thriller... Ok.

A Miley-fied Thriller-esque video... that's pushing it...

Oh Come ON!! That's just taking it a bit too far.

But it's OK... SHE IS NOT COPYING MICHAEL JACKSON... As long as she's not on a We are the World remake... She what? Oh sweet nibblets! What's next burning your hair during a Coke ad? Going under the knife and changing into a something that resembles a black man? Dangling babies over balconies?

Please Miley STOP TRYING TO BE MICHAEL JACKSON! Just because I'm a Miley fan does not mean that I wear a HM wig everywhere... or doing Miley Tributes on karaoke bars(Except that time, but that another story.) I like Ninja Turtles and I'm not going barefoot into sewers or storm drains either.

The original is WAY better. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna watch the REAL version of this song...

Feb 16, 2010

I want my Mullet Back.

The Mullet... This strange haircut has mesmerized people across the globe. Often ridiculed because it is a combination of opposites. Short in the front and long in the back. Even I had a mullet back in the day. Mullets are a staple in Pop Culture... Now the song that inspired the Article...

See, He's done other things besides Achy Breaky Heart and being a parent.

Now that we got the Musical Number out of the way let's discuss some famous and some infamous mullets.

The Man who can get away from any difficult situation using a flint, some duct tape and a Utility knife... (long before Bear Grylls was drinking Elephant Poop, Mac was the man... with the mullet.)

The Most Powerful Man in the Universe had the Most Powerful Mullet in the Universe. (He also has a mullet on the 200X cartoon)

Just pretend he is talking about how much Avatar sucks... Not only Hitler gets to rant about stuff.

The Snakes: (Solid and Liquid from Metal Gear Solid, Snake Plissken from the Escape from___ movies.)

Snake Plissken, the man who inspired Hideo Kojima's Solid Snake. (Escape From LA's story is similar to the plot of Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes... Hmm...)
Plissken is pure bad ass, gruff voice, mullet, eye patch.
Solid Snake inherited those same attributes, except the eye patch... He got a Rambo Bandana instead.

Liquid, his Evil Twin Brother is just a blonde Solid Snake, who sounds like a British He-Man and "lives" on through an arm... don't ask about the arm thing... I'm just pointing out an EVIL mullet.

Captain Planet:
He can fight pollution, yet he's AWFULLY WEAK AGAINST POLLUTION!? that's like a person who is allergic to peanuts handling peanuts at a peanut proicessing plant.

Billy Ray Cyrus:
No pic added since he sang to us that he wants his mullet back!! Just look for Achy Breaky Heart on youtube to see his full on mullet glory... He had a mullet now he doesn't...

From the deep south all the way to Japan, The mullet is a global phenomenom. Liked or hated it is there, and there were some cool people who had them. If I did this with Mowhawks there would only be two items on the list: Mr. T and Cartoon Mr. T... and maybe Rufio on a honorable mention.

Feb 12, 2010

Apple Holding in 3-D

Breaking Dawn, the "epic" finale to the Twilight "saga" is being split in two. That is old news. Now the new part to these news is that they're considering 3-D!! It'll more in your face and you'll be surrounded by the sparkles and the "vampires'" chiseled bodies in 3-D.


If they go 3-D, the beautiful Birth of Renesmee is reason enough to see these literary failures on the Big Screen. Will we get the Edward/Bella sex scenes in 3-D as well?

That final battle with the Volturi will be so freaking... there was no final battle. We are going to see vampires talking... in 3-D.

That made me think... What movies should've been in 3-D:

Just picture ALL the mayhem created by the ghosts AND the Ghostbusters trying to bust those ghosts...
Now tell me if you ain't afraid of no ghosts...
Jurassic Park:
C'mon! This movie BEGS for 3-D... T-Rex chases, Dilo spit, Raptors, gallimimus stampede...
A 3-D JP would be so sweeeeeeeeet!
Anything by Michael Bay:
I'm not a fan of Michael Bay and his "Films" (Especially those based on Hasbro Toys.) but, He could make one kick-ass 3-D movie...
EVEN this would've sucked less if it had been 3-D...
Harry Potter (any of the 8 of them):
Quidditch in 3-D... Patronus and Dementors in 3-D... Now that would make Hogwarts a lot more magical.

Now this movie in 3-D would've been freaking sweet! Picture it: New York, 2001-2002 swinging across buildings in 3-D and having Spidey leap towards us while avoiding 3-d Pumpkin bombs.

Now for movies that 3-D would be unnecessary:
Brokeback Mountain:
Great movie, but 3-D would be wasted here... I don't see how a love story about cowboys be made in 3-D.
The Godfather:
Great movie, the only scene that would be good in 3-D would be the TollBooth scene.

I know that you guys were expecting something else. But THIS is 3 times more annoying than THAT...

Obviously Twilight "saga" should be on the NO 3-D list. (not gonna add trailers, since I've been in Forks for too long...)
Till next time true believers! Excelsior! Jeez! for a moment there I felt like Stan Lee...

Feb 10, 2010

Okay? Then what does the M stand for?

MTV has eliminated the Music Television out of it's logo!? WHAT THE HELL!?http://beatcrave.com/2010-02-09/mtv-drops-music-television-from-logo/

That's the final straw... They killed off the music a while ago while inserting all bunch of Reality TV crap. This goes also to It's More Sophisticated Sister Network, VH1...

Where the HELL is MY MUSIC!?

Goodbye MusicTV... Goodbye... I shall treasure the moments we shared together...


So now that the M is no longer for Music, what does it stand for?

Magneto: Yeah, the Sometimes enemy, sometimes ally of the X-Men bought the network in order to bring the mutants to his side and wage a war aginst humanity. The reality shows have hidden messages that only mutants can detect...

Meyerpire: Since Twilight is so popular with the tweens and females; it wouldn't be strange if one of the Sparklies bought it in order to promote Vegan "Vampirism".

Miley: Ok I'm just pushing it to a ridiculous level... Why the Hell would Miley Cyrus get her own network and not promote herself? (Can you imagine a network with Hannah Montana ALL DAY!? Yeah it's called Disney Chnnel.) BTW she DID have a couple of videos on the last days of Music Television... (I HAD to make a reference...)

Ok, the real answer to what the M stands for is:

Moronic. Yes Moronic Television, It's the only one that makes sense. All of these crappy reality shows that involve no music on a network formerly known as Music Television makes as much sense as having Live Action shows on Cartoon Network. (I'm not letting that one go...) OR having non-food shows on Food Network...

Long story short: New MTV Logo, almost the same as the old logo, but without the definition of MTV.

New MTV: It stinks and I don't like it!!

Feb 9, 2010

Feb. 09 2010 Odds and Ends

Heh! Some German dude robbed an Arcade with a cup of coffee.
But then again it was Hamelin... That town is famous for letting a paedophile singer take away their children...
So now Hamelin Arcades can be mugged using Coffee mugs...

Hey! Miley Ban is officially Over! Now, don't despair. I'm not going to make Miley references every 5 seconds...
Enjoy some Weird Al Yankovic in the meantime...

Let's move on to a more serious issue...

M.Night Shyamalan making a movie that MIGHT not suck!

Last time I checked THIS was AVATAR: The Last Airbender... Unfortunatley this movie (based on a Cool Nickelodeon cartoon that I've only seen a few bits here and there.) lost it's name to a crappy movie about Zoophilia, Anti-American, Anti-Military, Racist Pseudo-Intelectual, Anti-Technology, Overhyped, Crappy Oscar-bait movie full of clichés and Blue CGI cats.

So far The Last Airbender looks good. I really don't want this movie to suck like Other M. Night movies... (I'm looking at you crappy killer plant movie.)

Feb 8, 2010

Playmates Toys is not my lover...

Well, Michael is dead. There are no signs of him coming back as a Zombie and making Thriller 2. His Doctor might be charged with Manslaughter...
But that's not the real news... The real news is that PLAYMATES TOYS... (As in the guys who made the TMNT, Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, and iCarly toys) are going to be making MICHAEL JACKSON TOYS!!!

I agree with Herr Toht on this... It's not a "Michael hasn't been dead for a year and now they're peddling toys" rage. It's a :"WHY oh *******ing why does it have to be Playmates Toys!?" kind of rage. I guess that I should expect barely articulated toys with a guy who doesn't look anything like Michael Jackson, dressed as Michael Jackson... (And to top it off, the good toys will be shown and scrapped while the crappier MJs will be made.) I also hope that the toys represent the LEGENDARY Michael Jackson and not the "Whee-Hee! Child Molesting Joke" MJ.

Hey What The!? Lap dances for Haiti

Ah, the lap dance. It makes everything better... Even Haiti.
This Ohio strip club is raising money for Haiti by lap dancing...
Yes I know I've had my share of ranting towards Haiti's situation, but this is a lot better than being (insert a celebrity here)speaking on why we should help Haiti. (We don't even know if said celeb is helping Haiti at all.)

Now things that could be better if they had a lap dance in it's package:

-Blood Drives: Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good lap dance.
-Waiting in the doctor's office:It will kill time a lot faster than reading about yacths, golfing, and Swordfishing. Also you might get one sick lap dance.
-Avatar: Sure, the BLUE CGI 10 ft. tall kitties look good on the screen, but a Lap dance would make Pandora even better. (I'll take one from Sigourney Weaver, or the Latina chick from Resident Evil over the 10 ft. blue CGI cats... I love humans, not Blue CGI cats.)
-Jonas Bothers' concerts: It's something to distract your mind from them.
-Crappy videogames: This falls in the same vein as the JB concert. Turning crap into gold.
-Transformers movies: It'll take away the franchise rape, as long as Megan Fox is not the one giving it... Saw the trailers for Jennifer's Body... (Pretty sure that it IS a Megan Fox Biopic...)

Lap dance away Ohio strip club... It would be cool if Haiti COULD literally get a lap dance...

Feb 6, 2010

SharkBoy's blood is corn syrup.

Taylor Lautner, aka Sharkboy, or Jacob Black if you're a tween girl or a mom who is into books that are gloridfied fan fiction... Is going to Play STRETCH ARMSTRONG...

Stretch Armstrong...

Not Stretch Armstrong...
Before I hear complaints about using Sharkboy (He was a kid back then! Blah Blah!)He's not only doing Stretch Armstrong... He's also playing

The son of Big Jim... Max Steel.

He is not Max Steel either... but at least this match up is better than Stretch Armstrong... (Who should've been played by a blonde Mario Lopez.)
Now if they have Robert Pattinson playing Psycho I'm gonna be laughing so hard that my sides might burst.

BTW: They are making a Battleship movie...
a movie about the board game...

It won't be like this... probably it'll be more like the Hunt for the Red October, or a serious version of Down Periscope.

Feb 5, 2010

Looks like I'll need a bigger litter box... in 3-D.

For a 10 ft. tall blue CGI kitten. Yes I saw Avatar... in 3-D just to have the whole Magic of Pandora that people are gushing over. So I grabbed my popcorn and Soda and entered the World of Pandora.

The World of Pandora is stunning (in 3-D). It gives me hope for a Decent Eternia if the MOTU movie gets made. Pandora is a character. There is something about Pandora that feels familiar... Like I've been there before.

Yes I was reminded of Final Fantasy X a couple of times during the movie.

Now that I've drooled over the "amazing" beauty of Pandora. (I still want to stay on Earth...) Let's movie on with the rest of the movie.

In a scale in which 1 is awful and 5 is SUPER MEGA AWESOME WITH A DOUBLE DIP OF CHUCK NORRIS we shall see where this movie stands.

Story: This is Avatar's weakest point. There is little story. (Crippled) White man joins tribe of Savage (Blue 10 ft.CGI Cat) Natives as a spy to destroy them but falls in love with a native and fights his own people to protect his new people. Pocahontas, Last Samurai, Dances with Wolves, Fern Gully and many others have done this before. The biggest differences are the Bestiality and the Blue CGI kittens.
Here Avatar earns a 1. Why? The story has been rehashed so many times that it feels that James Cameron isn't really trying... Unobtanium? Seriously UNOBTAINIUM. Yes I know that the term predates Avatar, but was MacGuffinium too obvious? But that thing is $20 Million a Kilo, and there's a whole lot of it in Pandora... So it seems to be important... to ONE guy. Let's forget about this and move on. Another HUUGE problem with Avatar is that it's TOO long and it dragged!

Characters/Acting: Well this is partly linked to the writing and the Actors.
In overall the score here is a 3. Why? Most of the characters where 1-dimensional and seem to be playing on stereotypes. The only one there who practically held the movie on her own was Zoe Saldaña as Neytiri(She alone earned the 3 points for the entire section.)
Sam Worthington was only good on the vlogging scenes and waking up and falling asleep. The rest of the time he was bland and uninteresting almost Machine like... (Wasn't he a Terminator?)
There is a General who wants to kill the Na'Vi (He was scarred by one) who acts like a R. Lee Ermey knock off. Probably because the real R. Lee Ermey was too old to play that role. We got the Greedy Company man. (The only guy who cared about Unobtanium) Sigourney Weaver is there (like an extremely long Aliens reference), and that Latina Girl from the First Resident Evil Movie... Playing the Tough Latina Chick role.
Wes Studi plays a Na'Vi elder

Music: This is one of the best parts of the movie, yet I barely remember anything of it. Thus it Earned a 3. (Jim Cameron is trying to push Leona Lewis as the next Celine Dion with "I see you"... Enough with Leona Lewis! She's also in Final Fantasy XIII but that's another rant for another lifetime.)

If I were to rate it AS IS, Avatar would ger a 2.333 which makes it a subpar movie.
While it's not THE BEST MOVIE EVER, I must Recognize James Cameron's Ability as a Director. With awful characterizations, full of stereotypes and cliches, a paper thin overused story; he managed to make a blockbuster raking in a lot of money and driving people to insanity (wanting to die to be reborn as a Na'Vi, among other things...)

He's got the technique down for manipulating emotions. He's even manipulating the Academy in order to get more Oscars. (I still believe that Avatar deserves the Awards in Visuals.)

If I hadn't seen through James Cameron's tricks in Oscar baiting/audience manipulating this movie would've gotten a higher score.
The movie is overhyped and once you see beyond the "magic" of Pandora there is not much too see. And to top it off there's two sequels planned.

Feb 4, 2010

Hey What The!? 2-inch Gunslinger kid

Okay! This kid is the Ultimate Gangsta!http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/education/2010/02/04/2010-02-04_big_trouble_over_this_tiny_toy_mom_fuming_at_a_lack_of_common_sense_as_son_buste.html

I mean C'mon! The gun is a LEGO sized Gun! It's not like he used a Keychain sized gun and "shot" other students...

Now this is a Big Freaking Gun!

I just think that it's unfair that Axe weilding kid gets away scot-free, but the 2-inch gunslinger kid has to go through all this idiotic trouble... not speaking form personal experience or anything... That whole keychain gun thing... not a clue where I got that Idea from...
Yes; Sometimes School Officials can be idiots too!
Unless that kid was thinking of joining certain Ruthless Terrorist Organization determined to rule the world...

Feb 3, 2010

Action Figure Woes. Don't make me angry!

Remember my old article about scalpers and defective figs?
Now for the second half of the process in dealing with defective toys: Costumer Service.
Usually Costumer Service is supposed to help Costumers. But in reality more often than not they'll piss you off beyond the point of no return.
I've had a couple of run ins with Costumer Service, some companies have been helpful, others... Let's just say that It's easier to locate Bigfoot than to get help from them.

-NECA: I had a faulty Raphael from their TMNT line Stuck joints and a broken Sai (IN Package)
I e-mailed CS and I'm still waiting for their reply. (I had to search through customizing sites to fix the Fig. It ended up as Slash.)
-Toy Biz: I broke a Spider-Man Classics Scorpion and called CS. They asked for the UPC and they'd send in a replacement in 4-6 weeks. 2 weeks later I received a Hulk Classics Smart Hulk AND a Movie Hulk Figure (because they had run out of Scorpions)
-Hasbro: Remember the handless Sgt. Flash? I'm still waiting for Hasbro to send me the replacement.
-Mattel (Mattycollector.com to be precise): My order for Skeletor AND King Randor from Last December is MIA. Luckily, Matty's CS decided to resend me a replacement for the lost order.

We musn't forget that the people on the other side ARE people too, but they must remember that we're paying for their product and we're calling them becauae we're having problems with it.
-The Replacement Skeletor and King Randor arrived Yesterday. (I should've made an It came from the Toy Chest, but I was too excited and opened them before bothering with the Camera.)

-Hasbro DID send me a notification (to their Website Database instead of my e-mail or Snail Mail Address) requesting a Street Address to deliver the replacement to Handicapped Flash. I still don't get why they can't send it to a PO Box (unless they're using UPS or FED EX). Supposedly the replacement figure will be in my hands in 2 weeks approximately. That one is a candidate for an It came from the toy chest... or my next Mattycollector.com Order: Battle Cat...

Feb 2, 2010

Hopefully the King will fall.

The Academy awards are coming. Can you guess which overrated movie about blue CGI Cat People is being nominated?
Yup! Avatar is being nominated for a buttload of visual effects related stuff. It should win some of those, because the visuals are amazing. It is also being nominated for BEST PICTURE!!!
Avatar is NOT best Picture Material. If you take away the visuals you have a mildly amusing Dances with Wolves/Pocahontas Titanic in Space-esque motion picture.

I just hope that Jim Cameron's Avatar does not get the Best Picture Award. Seriously, this movie is a summer blockbuster released in winter as Oscar bait. Now If you'll excuse me I'm going to make fun of people who want to be part of the Na'Vi...

Feb 1, 2010


Jason David Frank, aka, THE Power Ranger... Remember him? He was on his way to become a Mixed Martial Arts fighter... His debut was on January 30th...

Since We're talking about Jason David Frank; here's the mandatory Green Ranger footage:

I'm not much of a fighter, but It seemed that JDF was a bit sloppy. He needs to improve his defense... MMA fighters are not like the Putties or Goldar.

Hopefully JDF will improve on his flaws and add some MMA fighters to the: I was beaten up by a Power Ranger and the I tapped to a Power Ranger lists.