Jumanji: The Board game: The rant

 Remember the only good Jumanji movie? Well, Cardinal games made the boardgame.

Sadly, I bought mine at Kmart and it was incomplete. Missing the Rhino token. A penny wrapped in painters tape is my temp Rhino token until I get creative. Didn't take any pics, since this review is essentially my thoughts after playing Jumanji for the first time.

We tried a two player game to pass the time until the others came. 

The game is almost unplayable in two player mode. You get to lose multiple times until you somehow get lucky. The timer is too short (slightly under 11 seconds) and the eight sided dice seem to be player unfriendly. Older versions with two six-sided dice might be better. The premise is rather simple. Roll the die and reach the center. Once you reach the center, yell: Jumanji! and you win.

 Most of the rules for the drawing of a danger card. You read the riddle and it's a race to roll the dice to match the correct symbol. You fail, which you will a lot. This forces you to put the danger card on the Doomsday section of the board. Failed the Doomsday section you lose. 

The rhinoceros token can cause trouble to players by blocking the path and forcing the players to retreat. The game is a lot easier and slightly more enjoyable as a four player game. But not by much. One thing the game doesn't mention is that you need a 5th person as referee to watch the timer and to ensure that other players aren't cheating.

If you can find the game for cheap, and have at least five people with you, try it. If not, you can Easily skip it!

Using stock photo because I didn't take pics during game night.

After beating Jumanji, we got into a few drinks and sing for half drunk 40 somethings play Mr Bucket was hilariously awful.

Next time I'll bring Crossfire!!

Rebel Moo 2: My self-loathing knows no limits.

 Why am I doing this? Seriously? It's a Snyder movie, I already know it'll suck ass!

Here we go!

Anthony Hopkins starts the movie with narration. Oh so much wasted potential. We get a recap of the previous movie. No space vaginas this time. But we start with the Space Nazis trying to revive Mr. Crocker. Revived and covered in slime Crocker says the title and his lackey sets course to the farming moon from the first movie.

Our "heroes" return to "orgy village" and we see the blonde that almost got raped. She tells Good Nazi that the 6 heroes return and he's a Debbie Downer. 6 minutes in and I want to kick Snyder in the dick. Oh Good Nazi is no longer a Nazi and playing double agent. Horny Anthony Hopkins peeps on the heroes and sees their weapons. 

Our "femluke" says that Mr. Crocker is dead (he isn't but she doesn't know that) Debbie Downer came with the 5 days omen. Gran Turismo dad has the villagers cone to him. His rowsing speech is depressive as fuck. Loser dude confesses to femluke and they kiss... and fuck... oh look some space Nazi flashback. Oh my I forgot that the Dread Pirate Roberts appears in this movie. Another great actor wasted on this shitty flick.  What the fuck? Violinists playing while wearing gimp masks with the Eye of Ra. What the fuck is Snyder smoking?

Robin Hood Men in Tights gets Julius Caesar'd. Femluke killed the princes for her adoptive father's sake and the dude betrayed her because racism. It's been 19 minutes so far and blegh! Why do I hate myself so much to endure this shit?

Really? Slow mo grain sowing? Fuck you Snyder with a Rusty scythe.

Finally, Space Nazis. Mr. Crocker kills a doctor just to get released from Sickbay... Worst vader knockoff ever.

More slow mo farming. Snyder REALLY is a joke. Not Obi-Wan is developing a relationship with a blond boy... not in an Epstein way, you sickos. Digimon Honsou changed alcohol for water... honestly I wanna do that in Reverse. More farming... sweet baby Jesus imagine when we get the Snydercut... moar nazis. Hopefully this will be entertaining. It wasn't. Mr. Crocker saw through the ruse because...

There is no other explanation.

More slow mo now it's milling the grain. Only half an hour into this awful movie. Watergirl habds over some pillow cases or something she made symbolizing the 6 "heroes". Now more paddong in the form of a party that may or .ay not end on an orgy. Oh Gran Turismo dad is singing. Horny Hannibal Lecter is watching before lying down. I wonder if he dreams of silent electric lambs. Djmon is now an alarm clock. Defense montage... Hopkins watching... Femluke gets her ship working.

Djmon is now having a confession of sins past and man, Snyder went a bit of overkill with that shit. Oh look a Ray Fisher flashback cameo. I forgot he was in this. Probably because he didn't say Booyah!  Finally nazis are coming. 70 minutes remaining. I must definitely won't be doing any Snydercut reviews of Rebel Moo.

Femluke meets Hopkins. They have a conversation. Of course, Hopkins delivers a great performance. Shame it's wasted on this shitty movie. Nazis are here! Crocker sees through the Gran Turismo dad strategy.

Pikamee sorry, Henya gets a cameo and Femluke gets a haircut. Nazis are preparing for an overkill battle.

Mr. Crocker arrives. Halfway point. Snyder's cameras are out of focus. Finally Battle! Mr. Crocker is going Knee Deep in Dead down the trenches. Discount High Jackman is also kicking ass. Eh, the discount lightsaber fight is decent, but again too many slo mo! 

Mr. Crocker beat Discount Hugh Jackman. Femluke is chasing Crocker in her ship. Ah the ol' faking damage to board the ship maneuver. Nice. There, now you can't say that I'm blindly hating on the movie. It still is shit but like the civet cat shit, it has its good things. Digimonnis at it again with another speech. Discount tarzan entered the fight. Star Wars hand chopping reference... more slo mo fighting. Femluke and useless fucktoi played possum. Not Obi-Wan got wounded and the little kid attacked her attacker. That kid totally has yellow fever... now he won't score. Movie just hurry up and end. I've had it with all these slo mo shots! Here come the mechas... I forgot about them. Back to the main Nazi ship where Femluke and Male Sakura Haruno have split up. He's going to be the Baby Driver and she will set up some explosives and end up fighting Mr. Crocker. 40 minutes left.

Did the bad guys forget why they were in the village in the first place? They just blew the grain to shit! The very super important thing they were coming for, they blew it up! The writer must be a fucking moron. Ah Zack co-wrote it. That explains it. Non-Binary pulls off a Solid Snake and destroys the walking tank.

The movie even questions Hack's own logic... but Scargiver more important.

More fighting on the ground with Non-Binary, Tarzan from Wish, and Djmon. Half hour left. Finally Sir Anthony Hopkins gets to do something other than talk. He began to solo the crap out of everything!

The explosives blew up and damaged the ship. Useless got shot and we have a final duel with a countdown. Femluke is getting her ass kicked as Mr. Sakura penetrates Mr. Crocker from behind with a lightsaber. Of course Femluke can't be shown up so she decapitates Crocker. With the ship blowing up, they barely make it out. 19 minutes left, what the fuck is there left to do? The rebels show up, finally... Anthony Hopkins starts to watch again. Watergirl and good nazi kiss. Femluke lost her fucktoi. We get yub nub without the singing. And we get a weak hook for a third part. 

Fuck this movie, fuck Zack Snyder and the fuck me for wasting my time watching this piece of shit!! Seriously, this was worse than the first part. Fuck this movie!